I didn’t grow up dreaming about one day becoming a mother. I couldn’t even imagine it, as if it was not in my destiny to become one. As a matter of fact, in my journals I would often write,
“I am not a mother, I do not procreate!”
For some strange and existential reason, I felt strongly about not leaving anyone behind in this world. In my early 20s I was in a relationship where ‘he’ didn’t want children either and so my wishes were safe. That relationship ended, and it never happened even though I had begun to play with the thought, but only as a fantasy. Then I met my current husband. I told him, “I am not a mother.” He said, “Ok.” As the years passed, we began talking about it here and there. But our shadows were still loose and untamed. Somehow, the possibility of children drove us to face our darkness and instead of birthing babies, we began to birth ourselves. The process was painful and dangerous, but eventually we broke through to the other side.
I asked for a dream.
In the dream I appeared at the mouth of a cave. A bearded old man wearing a robe stood at the entrance, he looked like a wizard. He smiled and said, “Go through the cave, ask your question as you walk, the answer is on the other side.” I immediately knew what I would ask. I always wanted to know if I would have children, if I would ever be a mother. I was already in my mid 30s and had the curiosity.
I walked through the darkness of the cave.
As I walked I asked the question out loud, and held onto it in my thoughts. I could see the light at the end of the cave and soon could see there was a beach on the other side. It was a beautiful golden sunset. There was a teenage boy standing tall, staring out into the horizon with a look of adventure in his eyes that I have only seen in my husband and in the “Fool” tarot card. He looked like him too, a dreamer, an optimist. Behind him, at a short distance, was a very tall teenage girl, long black hair with bangs. She seemed a bit younger than the boy. Her sleeves were too short for her long arms. She seemed so skinny and awkward, in a sweet way. I immediately felt my heart swell, my thoughts were “She needs me. My daughter needs me!” This instinct to protect came full force. I turned around to get back into the cave and start making these 2 beautiful beings, but I suddenly saw my older sister walking behind a 1 year old baby, taking care of him. I wondered, mine or hers? I woke up and my first words to my husband were, “My children, I left them in the dream! They need me!”
My heart knew.
The realization hit me hard. I was a mother, and my children were somewhere in dreamscapes waiting for us to finally get over ourselves and begin to bring them forth. We tried once, the pregnancy didn’t last, it was a blighted ovum. We were on a mission, so as soon as we could, we tried again. This time, success!
My husband dreamed: I am staring out into a lake, something is bubbling under the surface of the water. Suddenly the words “IT’S A BOY!” pop out of the water and float into the air.
I thought to myself, yes, the boy is here.
I am a mother.
*big knowing smile*